The Introduction from Hell

Sin is such a wonderful word. It covers all manner of things.

- affronts to God

- assaults on Society

- personal shames that knock like tiny knuckles against your personal peace of mind until you have to drink half a bottle of Nyquil and go take a lie down just to make the secrets stop tormenting you.

- it is also the name of the Babylonian God of the moon, apparently.

No one is who they say they are. We live in the wonderful age of the internet, where your About Me section can simply say, “Hi, My name’s Abby :). I love M&Ms!” Well, Abby, we all love M&Ms, but that’s not all there is to you is it?

Even before the internet, we all had our avatars. Imagine, for instance, how many people before the sixties lived normal lives, went to school, got married, had children, and died, without anyone ever knowing that they were gay? Imagine how many people are still doing this?

The About Me section in our friend Abby’s mind—in the depths of her twisted cerebrum, we could say—would probably read something more like, “Hi, I’m Abby! I like M&Ms, but I mostly fantasize about having them licked from my lower back by an African Prince while we’re watched by his family, and oh, also he’s pinching my ear oh so gently, while a few birds--” etc. Sickening, isn’t it? But we all have these fantasies.

And they’re not all sexual. We all imagine what it would be like just to be able to throw The-Woman-Behind-The-Counter out the window because she told us one too many times to be patient while we wait for the idiot Pilot-Who-Forget-His-Documents to arrive so he can get into the cockpit and let us board the damn plane.

I know it’s supposed to be Wrath, but that sounds more like the sin of Justice to me.

I’m not saying it’s normal, I’m saying it’s ubiquitous. Take a moment if you want and think about the secret sins you’re dying to commit. Face it. We are all total freaks, and it’s time this was celebrated, because if we ignore these parts of ourselves much longer, we will become a repressed society, and when you live in a repressed society, you get this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sluaw3EVdFQ

My name is Peter and I am no more or less of a sinner than any of you, but I am an advocate of sin. Some of the worst things in the world are sins—

—but so are some of the best.

This is the Devil’s Avocado.